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Coping Tips for Parents

Your wellbeing is important for everyone. 

 

This section should be read after parents have:

It is now time to think about yourself

This is not selfish. Feeling exhausted and frustrated will not help your baby. In extreme circumstances these feelings can even trigger ‘shaken baby syndrome’ and other forms of abuse. Looking after yourself is important for everyone. The greatest risk to a baby may be where a parent cannot cope. It is alright to ask for help if you feel you cannot cope or need a break from the crying. You will feel better for it.

Here are some things to think about:

  • A baby’s crying is designed by nature to be a ‘biological siren’ that compels parents to help. It is normal to find it stressful to listen to, especially when it continues a long time.
  • A baby with colic is exhausting for even the most experienced and devoted parents.
  • There is no cure for colic – and no clear reason to think a cure is needed. But the challenge of colic for parents can be reduced by developing effective coping methods.
  • Soothing methods which help stop the crying on one occasion may not work on another: the point about colic is that the crying is hard or impossible to soothe. It is not your fault. But using a range of different soothing methods will give you several options to try.

People who have not had a baby who cries a lot may not understand the situation and you may feel criticised or judged. They may make suggestions you are not happy with. Don’t feel intimidated. The information and guidance contained here is based on evidence, not opinion.

Emeritus Professor Ian St James-Roberts,

If a baby’s crying becomes overwhelming:

  • Remember, it’s normal to feel upset and angry because of the crying. It’s what you do that matters.
  • Put the baby down in a safe place (such as a cot).
  • Leave the room, and focus on doing something else. Make some tea, listen to music, do whatever helps you to calm down.
  • By all means ask someone to keep an eye on your baby, but a crying baby will not be harmed by being left alone in a safe place for 5 or 10 minutes.
  • Try not to focus on negative thoughts: feeling distressed or guilty will not help.
  • Think positively: the crying is not your fault; your baby is well. How much worse if your baby was ill and quiet. This crying period is temporary and you can find ways to get through it.
  • Do not go back to your baby until you feel in control.
  • Make sure everyone looking after the baby knows about the crying and how to cope.
  • Shaking a baby is never a solution because the baby’s brain can be damaged by the shaking.

“I used to worry about going out and what she was going to be like but she always was worse when we were at home… and if we were out and about and doing something, the day always seemed to go better …Just having the confidence to go, go and do something even if you feel like ‘oh my baby might cry’ or whatever. But I always had a better day when we were out.”

Caitlin,

(Parent with an excessively crying baby)

“Just the physical trigger of that noise and screaming. I mean I could feel all the physiological symptoms rising from increased pulse to, you know, getting on edge, gritting teeth, clenching, you know.”

Tim,

(Parent with an excessively crying baby)

Finding ways to cope

  • Each family needs to develop its own coping methods, taking account of their supports and circumstances. What suits one family will not suit everyone.
  • In many cases, parents can share baby-care. There is evidence that parents feel less stressed by the crying if they have discussed and made plans for shared care.
  • Plan to include ‘time out’ for each parent. Even brilliant parents need to ‘recharge their batteries’.
  • Family and friends can also provide social and practical support, by sharing baby-care and helping with household chores. It may take courage to ask for help, but it can be worthwhile.
  • Single parents may find a baby’s unsoothable crying particularly stressful – especially if they are exhausted or depressed.  Asking for help is even more important in these cases.
  • Try to get out of the house. Think about going to a baby group, or visiting friends or family. This can be difficult and many parents with a crying baby feel embarrassed or stressed. But it is easy to get isolated and many parents say they feel better for going out, even if it is an effort.

You can read and download some suggestions from other parents on how to cope with a crying baby here.

"I felt so lonely and isolated."

Susanne

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"I felt I was failing as a parent."

Rebecca

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"She cried just about every waking minute."

Caitlin

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"It came as a shock when my third son was very unsettled."

Alison

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Myth:
“Nobody else’s baby cries like this”

Fact:
Research has shown that about 1 in 5 young babies cry a lot for no apparent reason.

However, many of the parents we met told us that they often didn’t go out much because of their baby’s crying, and how stressful this was. If you don’t get out it’s hard to meet others in the same situation – this can make you feel like you’re the only person whose baby cries in this way.

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