The reality of looking after a crying baby can be very different from how you expected it to be.
Dads are affected too
It may seem obvious, but it’s worth saying, that a crying baby is upsetting for dads too. There is evidence that crying babies can make dads, as well as mums, feel worn out and depressed.
There is also evidence that some dads can find the crying particularly frustrating to live with. This frustration may be partly because the crying really is ‘unsoothable’. Careful studies have shown that even trained professionals can’t stop or prevent the prolonged bouts of crying that happen in the first few months of a baby’s life. These bouts may be part of normal development. Most infants have them, more or less. There isn’t a simple fix. However, in most cases the crying does stop by itself within the first 4 months.
The fact that this crying peaks in the late afternoons and early evenings can be especially trying if you work office hours. You may not have the pleasure of seeing your settled baby earlier in the day. It can seem that your baby saves up the crying for when you come home. Relaxed evenings and time spent with your partner can become distant memories.
The first step is to visit other parts of this website.
The next step is to discuss and work out a coping plan. There is evidence that couples who work together can cope with the crying better than either parent on their own. You can support your partner in at least 3 ways:
The last of these points is just as important as the other two. Imagine having to cope with the frustration, exhaustion, loneliness and desperation from days or weeks of inconsolable crying. Sharing feelings, agreeing that baby care is hard work, and working out ways of coping that suit you both are important stress reducers. Faced with a baby who cries excessively, your relationship with your partner is a key support. Listening and being sympathetic may not be easy after a hard day at work, but it will reduce the stress. That will help you both to survive until the crying stops.
Sharing coping does not mean that dads and mums do exactly the same things
Being out at work can put obvious limits on your involvement in baby care. The coping plan needs to include a mix of baby care, household and partner support which is right for your situation. It needs to seem fair to both of you and include some give and take.
The impact of a crying baby on ‘stay at home’ dads and single dads has not been researched very much so far. However, the messages above probably apply just as much. The need to avoid isolation and involve family, friends or professionals is likely to be just as important.
More information on coping methods, including what to do if a baby’s crying becomes overwhelming, can be found in Coping Tips for Parents.
Myth:
“My baby doesn’t like me”
Fact:
Most of the time, babies are not crying because of anything the parents are doing wrong.
You can feel you are not bonding with your baby if they cry a lot, or that you are a bad parent. However, the long periods of unsoothable crying some babies have are usually part of their normal development.
This crying is not anything to do with them being unhappy with how they are being looked after.
