From the very first day she was born my baby cried a lot. She cried every time we put her down, and after a few days she cried before a feed and after a feed, and for hours in between feeds. There was nothing I could do to soothe her, I remember walking round and round the house, rocking her and singing twinkle twinkle little star for hours trying to get her to stop, and all the while crying myself. Alongside the crying she really didn’t sleep, she never napped in the day and was awake every 2-3 hours at night for months. This made it so much harder to cope with the crying as I couldn’t rest in the day.

Several friends of mine had babies at a similar time, and theirs were all content babies that all settled and slept well, I just couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong and felt a complete failure as a mum, and didn’t feel I could then tell my friends how hard I was finding it. I’d had a lot of experience with newborns, but never had I met or heard of one who cried as much as mine did. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t soothe her and be a good mum, which in turn made me feel really down and affected how I bonded with her. There were times when I could have happily given her away.

I knew that getting out of the house would help, but it felt impossible. The crying was so much worse when I put her down, so trying to get ready to leave the house was ridiculous. Even when we did manage to get out, we tried baby massage and baby yoga, but she mostly just cried all the way through the class. I felt so lonely and isolated, I had no family or friends nearby and I didn’t feel I could tell anyone how I felt as I seemed to be the only one who couldn’t manage my own baby. I knew I could call the health visitor but didn’t want her to think I couldn’t cope.

I used to count the hours till my partner came home from work, I think he found it stressful as I would pass her to him as soon as he came through the door. Having someone there to take her definitely made a difference; though I felt guilty leaving him alone with her as he was exhausted too. Soothing her crying took up the whole day, I never seemed to be able to get anything else done and the house was permanently a tip which really got me down. Whilst my partner was great with our daughter, I think we both expected all the domestic chores to be my role as he was out at work all day, I wish we’d communicated better, as trying to do all that too made it so much more stressful.

When you really strengthen the relationship with your partner, so that you’re on the same level and you’re discussing the workload and your expectations, when that is really strong, somehow that makes it easier to cope. It’s not changing the crying but it’s giving you a bit more strength.

Whilst I didn’t feel happy leaving my baby with anyone other than my partner, I wish that I’d had the courage to ask for help from family and friends, even if it was just sitting with her whilst I had a shower or a nap, or helping with the dishes. I should have also made more time for me, as even just an hour away made me feel much better.